my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
