remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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