What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
