I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
