you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
