Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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