Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
