Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
