If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
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I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is Oprah even human
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize