I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I need to stop coming to work sober
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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