On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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