Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Randomize
