He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
