I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
