Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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