as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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