sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
