We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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