Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
