all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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