I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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