So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
