you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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