I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
