just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
