I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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