Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
