Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
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$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
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I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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