Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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