When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
