I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just pee around me
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
