i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
