the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
