Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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