so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
