I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
