I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
