Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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