the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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