I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
