i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm always down for nudity.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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