my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
