I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
