News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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