I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
