idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
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Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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