i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
