Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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