After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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