i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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