You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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