I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.