Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
