Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
