He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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